not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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