my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
