So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
