We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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