My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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