He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
