so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My bed smells like the plague
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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