Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
