saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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