Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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