It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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