A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
