just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
This house was built for laser tag.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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