fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
