just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
