my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
