atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
