I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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