I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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