he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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