I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
