Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
