I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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