if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
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Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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