meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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