you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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