he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just gift wrapped bread.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
