I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
