i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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