last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
