Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
