I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
