My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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