So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
