My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
