Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
