woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
