where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
