When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
And then he peed in my hair
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
