From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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