did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
