So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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