dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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