I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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