margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Buhtt sex?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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