I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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