I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
