So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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