margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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