Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
