I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
